[Fic] Gravity : 5/18
Jan. 5th, 2010 01:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lotus_beautyTitle: Gravity
Author: LotusBeauty
Rating: R to NC-17
Pairings: Min+Su, Min+Kumi
Genre: AU, fantasy, romance/drama/emo (lots of emo)
Summary: Prequel to Feel and Redefine. This arc encompasses Changmin’s past; how he became a vampire and how he and Junsu met.
Notes: You don’t have to read the other two before you read this, but it would probably be a good idea to have some general vampire myths down.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were.
Prologue
1: Cold
2: A Beautiful Lie
3: Haunted
4: Crawling
Part 5: Away from the Sun
Words were often easier than actions. Changmin learned this the hard way. The moment Kumi offered her services for Changmin, he knew he was going to hate himself for what he was going to have to do.
“You want him to stop hurting you, right?” she asked, wary.
“Yes, of course!” Changmin replied, annoyed with her questioning.
“Then you can’t give him any reason to. You have to make him believe you are completely loyal to him.”
Thank you Ms. Obvious. “What if I don’t want to?” Min muttered in annoyance.
“You have to,” she repeated. “If you’re going to eventually leave here someday with any part of your original self intact, you’re going to have to pretend—act, if you will.”
Changmin felt torn for a moment. On the one hand, he desperately wanted Kame to stop fishing for reactions with jibes only meant for him, but he wasn’t sure he could pretend. He couldn’t really see himself enjoying sex with someone he despised… could he?
“If you’re to survive…” she prodded carefully, and something in her tone made Changmin look up into her eyes.
“You’re a spy.” There. He said it out loud.
“Are you?”
“How could I be? I’m a prisoner.”
“And you think I’m not?” Frustration radiated from her.
“You were a present from Amuro-san. She wouldn’t give someone like you up unless it was a calculated risk.” Changmin took a long look at her, his eyes wandering up and down her form. “You volunteered, didn’t you?”
She pursed her lips, exasperated. “You need to trust me, Ishiko.”
“Stop calling me that, it’s not my name! Neither is Koishi,” he grumbled angrily.
She crossed her arms with an irritated sigh. “Well, what is it then?”
He blinked, taken aback by her brash honesty for a moment. “Sh-shim Changmin.”
“Well, Shim-san, you need to trust me.” She stuck her fists on her hips.
“Why should I trust you?”
“You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t trust anyone.”
“But you just said—”
“You need to trust me,” she clarified. “You need to trust me because it will keep you sane. Kame will only keep using you for as long as he wants to. If you ever want to escape him, you’re going to have to change.”
“I don’t like it when he touches me and I most certainly hate touching him!” snapped in response.
“Do you think that’s going to stop him?”
“But—”
“He’s never going to stop. He likes it because he enjoys breaking you. He wants to completely break your spirit and own you. The only thing you have left is to hide your true self and wear a mask.” She paused for a moment and looked him in the eyes. “Like me.”
He tried to stare her down, but gave up after a few moments to drop his gaze to the floor. “I don’t like touching him.”
“Neither do I.”
His eyes snapped up to see her honesty, shocked. Kame did the same things to her? “You play along?”
“How else am I supposed to gain his trust? Well, not like he’ll ever totally trust me because he knows I’m a spy, but the more I play along, the more he forgets that he’s not supposed to trust me,” she explained softly. “Eventually, he’ll start to forget he says particular things in front of me, the way he does with you. If you want him to ignore you, you have to make it seem like he’s the only thing important to you. He has to be the only thing you pay attention to, and not his words when he speaks to someone else, but his body and being.”
Changmin shook his head. “How am I supposed to do that?”
Kumi stood straighter at that. “I will teach you.”
Changmin scoffed. “As if you could.”
Her anger flared. “I can teach anyone to seduce!” she snapped. “And you are my new charge.”
Somehow, that was a challenge. One that Changmin couldn’t back down from. But Kumi didn’t throw him in bed immediately from that moment.
She had said it would take quite a while, and she wasn’t kidding. Kumi began earning Changmin’s trust by reading the same books as him, though she didn’t let anyone else know. She only read when in his room, often commenting on certain points in the book to create conversation. He had to admit, while she hadn’t looked like much at first, she was extremely intelligent and offered interesting conversation. After a while, he actually enjoyed her company and began to forget she was there. She really was good at this. His affection for her increased when she actually took an interest in his power.
“So, you can feel everything?” she asked one day when she entered. Frustration and pain radiated from her as she approached his bed where he sat.
“Yes,” he replied as he wondered what made her feel so.
“I know you can project. Can you decide what to project?” She looked at him hopefully.
“I—I’ve never tried before. Why?” he asked as he took in her stance—rigid, as if not wanting to move for fear of pain.
Kumi pulled her sleeve up to reveal bruises and half healed cuts over her arm, the particular image very familiar to Changmin. “I gave him the wrong information,” she murmured. “I did it on purpose, and I knew he would hurt me, but he’s very good.”
“You’ll heal.” Changmin eyed her, wondering why she would come to him. The way her eyes avoided his spoke something. She was scared. Why did she feel this way? She was a spy, wasn’t she? “You’re not used to this kind of punishment.”
Shame.
“You didn’t think he would hurt you the way he hurts me,” he whispered in disbelief. “You understand his cruelty now.”
Kumi nodded slowly. “I don’t think he was as hard on me as he is on you, but it gives me a clearer picture. He said he went easy on me because I belong to Amuro, but that he could get what he wanted out of you.” She bit her quivering lip as Changmin knew he would be called later. “I thought he went easy on you.”
“He used to. When I was still human,” he replied quietly.
“Can—can you project some sort of calm at me? So that I can start our lesson?” she asked, her voice barely registering for him, the tones soft. She was hurting and it made him feel bad for once. He used his hand to beckon her closer, and slid to the edge of the bed to pull her into a hug. He’d never done this sort of thing before, but he was willing to give it a try. It took some concentration, and a few false starts when people with strong emotions walked past, but finally, Changmin got his head together and concentrated his attention at Kumi pushing all of his calm, reassuring and relaxing feelings at her. After a while, she began to relax against him, her fingers no longer holding his shirt in a death grip.
With a sigh she finally let go of him and thanked him for the effort. At least now he knew, when his emotions projected he could actually control it to a degree. Could he then hold them back? Then again, Kame probably liked to feel his fear.
“How do you live like this?” She shook her head.
He knew she meant no disrespect. “I’m used to it.”
“I realize I’m a lot weaker than I thought I was.” She glanced to the side and moved away to sit in the desk chair. “I miss the sun.”
The words struck Changmin suddenly. “Me too,” he replied softly. When she glanced at him, he knew they both hated being down here. “But you took this position as a mission, knowing he might hurt you. I don’t know if I could have done it.”
“Stop flattering me,” she told him, a smile peeking out. “Besides, it’s time for your lesson.”
His lessons were starting to get more intense now that they knew one another better. While it was clear she could still act like herself, the feelings she projected weren’t always what she felt inside. Changmin thought she was the most talented actress he’d ever seen at this point. She basically taught him ways to do the same.
The less he notices you, the less attention he’ll pay to you, she’d said. Let someone else take the spotlight by acting like everyone else. Your reactions make you stand out. Blend in so that you don’t exist. React only when he wants you to, showing your loyalty, jealousy and need for him.
Easier said than done. But bit by bit, she taught Changmin how to pull it off. First simply by body language and conversation, despite the fact that Kame hardly used Changmin for conversation. Once she felt he understood this enough, they moved on to touch. She slowly taught him how to touch, to make it seem as if he was interested in doing so. While Changmin found ways to do exactly as she said, it was difficult to push away his other emotions. He didn’t feel anything in particular besides companionship for Kumi, but for Kame, he felt fear and disgust. It wasn’t until she suggested that he use his anger that things shifted. Twisting his anger into another emotion was far more effective than trying to just show another feeling.
When Kame hurt him, he would use his anger to catch Kame’s eyes, make it seem like it was passion and desire. The first time he did it, he felt a wave of thrill and satisfaction from Kame that he hadn’t expected. The more he did it, the more Kame liked it. Using up his anger on Kame helped rid him of the emotion when alone. No longer was he angry at Kame for beating or touching him, but calm at the fact that he was using Kame to survive.
All the while, Changmin kept his ears open for Kumi, telling her things that Kame let him overhear. Whether purposely or not, they would never know, but he told her all the same. In turn, she would ‘talk’ about things in front of Changmin that he was to report to Kame as intelligence as well. Changmin was rewarded for good information with the books he loved, which made him happy to be of service.
“Have you been doing what I said?” Kumi asked as she closed the door behind herself one night.
“Lock off the real part of myself so that Kame can’t have it?” he asked absently as he finished a paragraph before he lowered the book to his lap. “When he first took me, I told myself I would lock my dignity and pride away so that he couldn’t have it. Your suggestion helps me remember that I still have it safe.”
“You won’t lose those, so long as you use Kame’s actions against him.” She sat on the edge of the bed, her back to him. “I think tonight, we should take it to the final level.”
A frown appeared on his brow. “Final level?”
“I believe its time you and I slept together,” she said quietly before looking back over her shoulder at him. “Once you can successfully seduce me, then your training will be complete.”
His gaze dropped from her to the book in his lap. It scared him to know that he was close to losing her presence. “I might be bad at it.” He glanced up to see her smile a bit and look away.
“I don’t doubt that, but just because you finish your training doesn’t mean I can’t be around you or supervise you from then on,” she told him. “I’ll always be here for you.”
“Thank you,” he replied softly.
He watched as she plucked the book out of his hand. “You’re on page 55,” she said with a smile as she set it aside and then stood. “Help me take this off, please.”
Changmin slid off of the bed and helped to unwrap the obi from around her waist before he began to peel off layer after layer of embroidered robes. It wasn’t until he was at the last under robe that she asked he stop and return to his previous position on the bed. Once he was comfortable, she climbed into his lap, straddling him and he automatically shrank back from her, though he wasn’t sure why.
Kumi blinked in surprise and sat back. “You don’t like this?” She touched his cheek and he flinched as he realized that all he could see was Kame. “You were fine before, what’s the difference?”
“We were standing or sitting facing one another.” It came out as a whisper, and his volume embarrassed him.
Kumi sighed. “Sit up,” she suggested and he did so as she shifted in his lap, their foreheads now at the same level. “How’s this?”
He nodded. “Better.”
“He’s always above you,” she murmured and he nodded again as he felt her sympathy. He wished people could feel more than sympathy and pity for him. “It’s okay to be frustrated, Changmin,” she said as she gently touched his cheek. “That’s why I’m here, to help you overcome it.”
“I don’t think I’ll overcome that, but the frustration I’m perfectly fine to get rid of,” he told her with a teasing tone that made her smile.
“Whether you do or not is not up to me, but today we will be going further,” Kumi told him as she shifted back to look at him. “How long have I been here?”
Changmin started in surprise at the sudden question. “Um…” he groped for the answer as he cast his memories back, but he truly wasn’t sure. “Six months?”
Shock. Kumi frowned as she answered. “Almost a year. I was in Kame’s company for two months. He then began bringing you to our meetings for three months before I finally suggested the lessons. You and I have been together for almost seven.”
“What does it matter?” he asked, mirroring the frown.
“You’re losing your memories to him,” she replied softly. “How long have you been here?”
“If you say you’ve been here for one year…” Panic hit him as he realized he didn’t know.
Asking the year he was captured, he related it and she replied calmly that he’d been under Kame for five years.
“You scared me,” he hissed. “I thought maybe I’d lost ten years here!”
Kumi smiled a little at his reaction. “Sorry, I thought you might have. But remember this. You need to start keeping track. If we ever get out of here, you have to remember how long it’s been and how things in the world will change.”
Changmin nodded absently. He hadn’t thought of escaping in so long. What did he have to escape for? And where in the world would he go? Who would give a broken vampire refuge? It didn’t matter right now. He had Kumi to lean on for now. With all that she was teaching him, she would help him get out eventually. She was the one thing keeping him sane now.
“Now,” she said softly as she touched his cheek and leaned closer to nuzzle his neck. “You’re going to learn something else tonight. A more passionate touch,” she whispered before pulling back to look him in the eyes. “I need you to trust me.”
He nodded. “I trust you.”
“And I you. What did you do before you were captured?” she asked as she pressed a kiss to his forehead.
Distracted by her fingers running through his hair, Changmin took a moment to respond. “I was a sailor.”
“What kind of cargo did you transport on your ship?” Her hands shifted down to his shirt to undo the buttons.
Changmin had to grope through his mind to find the answer, which he blurted out, “The illegal kind.”
Kumi giggled and pulled his shirt open. “Is that so? And what was your job on the ship?” She ran her hands down over his chest.
“They called me the captain’s pet,” he told her. “Not like Kame’s pet. He hired me because I was smart and only sixteen.” He paused when her fingers played at the edge of his breeches and was surprised at the desire from her, and that he himself was feeling.
She smiled and bit her lip playfully as she took her hands away. “Your turn,” she told him and waited for him to bring his hands up before she continued. “And what did you do?” she asked.
He reached up to trace his fingertips down her neck, all the way to where the two sides of her robe met over her chest.
“I would assist in many different areas.”
~*~
“Ishiko?”
Changmin watched the vampire before Kame with disinterest as he lounged against the side of Kame’s seat. “He is being truthful,” he replied to the steady violet.
“Let us hope he is correct then,” Kame said with a smile and dismissed the relieved vampire, who didn’t show so much as a sliver of his feeling, Changmin noted. Fingers slid through Changmin’s hair and he moved his head up into the touch as his eyes fell closed. Satisfied, Kame returned his hand to the armrest and Changmin relaxed into the cushion again. He took pride in deceiving Kame, and the court assumed he was happy to please.
While he was still Kame’s favorite, Kame would now do things like take others to bed, including new humans he’d found. Changmin would pretend to bristle about it while inside, he was angered about the humans Kame would break. Changmin would quickly bleed them dry to spare them the torture as Kame would assure him that he wouldn’t find a new favorite, but it was clear he enjoyed the acts of jealousy. And Changmin would say nothing, biting his tongue to keep from telling Kame how truly disgusting he really was. He also had to keep his emotions from leaking out around Kame, so that Kame would never know how he really felt.
As a reward for ‘good’ behavior, Kame suggested his guard captain find someone to give Changmin lessons on self defense. Changmin assumed Kame was growing bored that he wasn’t fighting back anymore. He could work with that. He reported to the captain three times a week for training, surprised by the way his body reacted to it. Within weeks, his body was more toned than before. Curious, he thought to himself one day as he headed back to his room. He assumed vampires couldn’t alter their bodies after being changed. Then again, his hair grew, so there were probably other assumptions that were wrong.
Changmin was originally to pay the guard and assistants for their help with his body. He didn’t like this option very well, but it was Kame’s order. His training from Kumi helped him deal with the idea, but when it came time to pay the guards, they looked at one another warily and refused the payment.
Fear.
Changmin was surprised by it and asked what he was supposed to tell Kame. They argued for a moment and finally asked for Kumi instead. Changmin carried the message to Kame himself and while Kumi was with the guards, Kame decidedly occupied Changmin’s time with a new dagger he’d been given.
This wasn’t the only time Kame offered Changmin as payment and the offer was turned down. It was considered an honor for Kame to give his precious pet as a payment, but Changmin was good at playing up his ‘jealousy.’ He would throw a glare at the recipient and drape himself over Kame’s leg as if to say he only belonged to Kame. More often than not, the vampire would give their thanks and turn him down. Sometimes the offer was taken, and Changmin would go through with it, not feeling one way or another about it. Half of those people would never sleep with him again, disturbed by how sullen and violent he seemed unless chained to Kame. There were only a handful that would accept the offer again, and Changmin used the training from Kumi to keep himself from mauling them.
Kame’s frustrations were still frequently taken out on Changmin, who was glad he received it more than Kumi, who seemed to deal with it worse than he did. She was too good at showing emotions to lock them all away like Changmin could. Remembering the training from the guards, Changmin began to fight back, and Kame seemed to enjoy this. It made him feel better to fight back, if even a little as Kame could always overpower him.
During one of his meetings with Kumi, she slipped him a dagger. He wasn’t entirely sure why she gave it to him, but he kept it hidden in his wardrobe. There was no way to know if he would need it. It wasn’t like he could kill himself with it anyway. He would heal too fast. But knowing he had it was a comfort of sorts, even if he couldn’t figure out why.
Years began to fly by, and Changmin had to force himself to keep track of them and what was going on when particular things happened. He kept a journal, reciting events in a straightforward manner to keep track, but that was all he ever wrote. Kumi urged him to write more than just facts, but he refused. He knew if he ever wrote his feelings about anything, that someone could find them to use against him, and he wasn’t going to take that chance.
Ten years, he noted as he looked at the date. Ten years he’d been in this underground complex. Somehow, he couldn’t believe it, and yet he could. He closed and pushed the journal away to grab one of his books and flop down onto his bed to relax.
“Chang-chan,” Kumi sang as she slipped into his room. Changmin glanced up from his book with a smirk and then back at the words as she crawled into the bed and against his side. He automatically wrapped an arm around her as he read, not minding the nickname she’d given him years ago.
“Hm?” he hummed as he turned the page one-handed.
“Why is it when you make love to me, it’s so… mechanical?” her pout could be heard a mile away.
Changmin sighed and glanced up at the bookcase. “Because I don’t really find sex that interesting. I only do it to relieve stress and because I have to.”
She snuggled against him. “You could at least show more interest in me.”
“I don’t find the female form that interesting…” he murmured as he realized it was true.
Kumi sat up and tilted her head. “You like men?”
“I…” Changmin sighed and shook his head. “I don’t really know what I like.” He hadn’t a chance to actually find someone he liked, let alone loved. Though, there was that man, back when he was still human on the ship and they landed in Osaka one time…
“Understandable,” she replied with a soft, but sad smile as she touched his cheek. If anything, he felt a deeper connection and affection for her, but he wasn’t attracted to Kumi the way he knew he should be. She was definitely beautiful, he thought as he sat up and she crawled into his lap, but he just knew she wasn’t what he wanted. At least she had the talent to distract him when he needed it.
“You never kiss me,” she murmured against his neck.
“I don’t want to kiss you,” he replied as he set his book aside.
“Why not?” she asked with a small pout.
“I don’t love you,” he answered honestly.
Her pout grew a bit as she played with his collar. “But I’m good at kissing.”
Changmin sighed, a bit amused. “Sorry, I just don’t feel right doing it.” He glanced down. It was the truth after all. Kame had never kissed him and he thanked every god in existence for that miracle. He was surprised when she tilted his head up and kissed him anyway. At least the touch of her lips on his wasn’t unpleasant—far from it. And she was pleased when he kissed back. He just didn’t feel anything inside of himself.
When she pulled back, she looked apologetic and he didn’t understand. “I hate to say this. Your kiss, it isn’t horrible, but it’s soulless and… haunted.”
He didn’t expect it to hurt when she said that, but it did. To feel so much in just one kiss, just from his lips, he was slipping with his abilities. He hadn’t meant for her to feel all of that when they kissed. His emotions were leaking out again.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“Me too.” He held her close.
Me too.
~***~
remember how lord of the rings was written following one set of characters and then another set later? *hinthint* also editing jaekei part 2 and waiting for tabs to beta since i have issues with switching tenses while writing two fics of different tenses XD also working on jaekei oneshot :3 and working on gravity of course! comments are ♥
Part 6
Author: LotusBeauty
Rating: R to NC-17
Pairings: Min+Su, Min+Kumi
Genre: AU, fantasy, romance/drama/emo (lots of emo)
Summary: Prequel to Feel and Redefine. This arc encompasses Changmin’s past; how he became a vampire and how he and Junsu met.
Notes: You don’t have to read the other two before you read this, but it would probably be a good idea to have some general vampire myths down.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were.
Prologue
1: Cold
2: A Beautiful Lie
3: Haunted
4: Crawling
Part 5: Away from the Sun
Words were often easier than actions. Changmin learned this the hard way. The moment Kumi offered her services for Changmin, he knew he was going to hate himself for what he was going to have to do.
“You want him to stop hurting you, right?” she asked, wary.
“Yes, of course!” Changmin replied, annoyed with her questioning.
“Then you can’t give him any reason to. You have to make him believe you are completely loyal to him.”
Thank you Ms. Obvious. “What if I don’t want to?” Min muttered in annoyance.
“You have to,” she repeated. “If you’re going to eventually leave here someday with any part of your original self intact, you’re going to have to pretend—act, if you will.”
Changmin felt torn for a moment. On the one hand, he desperately wanted Kame to stop fishing for reactions with jibes only meant for him, but he wasn’t sure he could pretend. He couldn’t really see himself enjoying sex with someone he despised… could he?
“If you’re to survive…” she prodded carefully, and something in her tone made Changmin look up into her eyes.
“You’re a spy.” There. He said it out loud.
“Are you?”
“How could I be? I’m a prisoner.”
“And you think I’m not?” Frustration radiated from her.
“You were a present from Amuro-san. She wouldn’t give someone like you up unless it was a calculated risk.” Changmin took a long look at her, his eyes wandering up and down her form. “You volunteered, didn’t you?”
She pursed her lips, exasperated. “You need to trust me, Ishiko.”
“Stop calling me that, it’s not my name! Neither is Koishi,” he grumbled angrily.
She crossed her arms with an irritated sigh. “Well, what is it then?”
He blinked, taken aback by her brash honesty for a moment. “Sh-shim Changmin.”
“Well, Shim-san, you need to trust me.” She stuck her fists on her hips.
“Why should I trust you?”
“You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t trust anyone.”
“But you just said—”
“You need to trust me,” she clarified. “You need to trust me because it will keep you sane. Kame will only keep using you for as long as he wants to. If you ever want to escape him, you’re going to have to change.”
“I don’t like it when he touches me and I most certainly hate touching him!” snapped in response.
“Do you think that’s going to stop him?”
“But—”
“He’s never going to stop. He likes it because he enjoys breaking you. He wants to completely break your spirit and own you. The only thing you have left is to hide your true self and wear a mask.” She paused for a moment and looked him in the eyes. “Like me.”
He tried to stare her down, but gave up after a few moments to drop his gaze to the floor. “I don’t like touching him.”
“Neither do I.”
His eyes snapped up to see her honesty, shocked. Kame did the same things to her? “You play along?”
“How else am I supposed to gain his trust? Well, not like he’ll ever totally trust me because he knows I’m a spy, but the more I play along, the more he forgets that he’s not supposed to trust me,” she explained softly. “Eventually, he’ll start to forget he says particular things in front of me, the way he does with you. If you want him to ignore you, you have to make it seem like he’s the only thing important to you. He has to be the only thing you pay attention to, and not his words when he speaks to someone else, but his body and being.”
Changmin shook his head. “How am I supposed to do that?”
Kumi stood straighter at that. “I will teach you.”
Changmin scoffed. “As if you could.”
Her anger flared. “I can teach anyone to seduce!” she snapped. “And you are my new charge.”
Somehow, that was a challenge. One that Changmin couldn’t back down from. But Kumi didn’t throw him in bed immediately from that moment.
She had said it would take quite a while, and she wasn’t kidding. Kumi began earning Changmin’s trust by reading the same books as him, though she didn’t let anyone else know. She only read when in his room, often commenting on certain points in the book to create conversation. He had to admit, while she hadn’t looked like much at first, she was extremely intelligent and offered interesting conversation. After a while, he actually enjoyed her company and began to forget she was there. She really was good at this. His affection for her increased when she actually took an interest in his power.
“So, you can feel everything?” she asked one day when she entered. Frustration and pain radiated from her as she approached his bed where he sat.
“Yes,” he replied as he wondered what made her feel so.
“I know you can project. Can you decide what to project?” She looked at him hopefully.
“I—I’ve never tried before. Why?” he asked as he took in her stance—rigid, as if not wanting to move for fear of pain.
Kumi pulled her sleeve up to reveal bruises and half healed cuts over her arm, the particular image very familiar to Changmin. “I gave him the wrong information,” she murmured. “I did it on purpose, and I knew he would hurt me, but he’s very good.”
“You’ll heal.” Changmin eyed her, wondering why she would come to him. The way her eyes avoided his spoke something. She was scared. Why did she feel this way? She was a spy, wasn’t she? “You’re not used to this kind of punishment.”
Shame.
“You didn’t think he would hurt you the way he hurts me,” he whispered in disbelief. “You understand his cruelty now.”
Kumi nodded slowly. “I don’t think he was as hard on me as he is on you, but it gives me a clearer picture. He said he went easy on me because I belong to Amuro, but that he could get what he wanted out of you.” She bit her quivering lip as Changmin knew he would be called later. “I thought he went easy on you.”
“He used to. When I was still human,” he replied quietly.
“Can—can you project some sort of calm at me? So that I can start our lesson?” she asked, her voice barely registering for him, the tones soft. She was hurting and it made him feel bad for once. He used his hand to beckon her closer, and slid to the edge of the bed to pull her into a hug. He’d never done this sort of thing before, but he was willing to give it a try. It took some concentration, and a few false starts when people with strong emotions walked past, but finally, Changmin got his head together and concentrated his attention at Kumi pushing all of his calm, reassuring and relaxing feelings at her. After a while, she began to relax against him, her fingers no longer holding his shirt in a death grip.
With a sigh she finally let go of him and thanked him for the effort. At least now he knew, when his emotions projected he could actually control it to a degree. Could he then hold them back? Then again, Kame probably liked to feel his fear.
“How do you live like this?” She shook her head.
He knew she meant no disrespect. “I’m used to it.”
“I realize I’m a lot weaker than I thought I was.” She glanced to the side and moved away to sit in the desk chair. “I miss the sun.”
The words struck Changmin suddenly. “Me too,” he replied softly. When she glanced at him, he knew they both hated being down here. “But you took this position as a mission, knowing he might hurt you. I don’t know if I could have done it.”
“Stop flattering me,” she told him, a smile peeking out. “Besides, it’s time for your lesson.”
His lessons were starting to get more intense now that they knew one another better. While it was clear she could still act like herself, the feelings she projected weren’t always what she felt inside. Changmin thought she was the most talented actress he’d ever seen at this point. She basically taught him ways to do the same.
The less he notices you, the less attention he’ll pay to you, she’d said. Let someone else take the spotlight by acting like everyone else. Your reactions make you stand out. Blend in so that you don’t exist. React only when he wants you to, showing your loyalty, jealousy and need for him.
Easier said than done. But bit by bit, she taught Changmin how to pull it off. First simply by body language and conversation, despite the fact that Kame hardly used Changmin for conversation. Once she felt he understood this enough, they moved on to touch. She slowly taught him how to touch, to make it seem as if he was interested in doing so. While Changmin found ways to do exactly as she said, it was difficult to push away his other emotions. He didn’t feel anything in particular besides companionship for Kumi, but for Kame, he felt fear and disgust. It wasn’t until she suggested that he use his anger that things shifted. Twisting his anger into another emotion was far more effective than trying to just show another feeling.
When Kame hurt him, he would use his anger to catch Kame’s eyes, make it seem like it was passion and desire. The first time he did it, he felt a wave of thrill and satisfaction from Kame that he hadn’t expected. The more he did it, the more Kame liked it. Using up his anger on Kame helped rid him of the emotion when alone. No longer was he angry at Kame for beating or touching him, but calm at the fact that he was using Kame to survive.
All the while, Changmin kept his ears open for Kumi, telling her things that Kame let him overhear. Whether purposely or not, they would never know, but he told her all the same. In turn, she would ‘talk’ about things in front of Changmin that he was to report to Kame as intelligence as well. Changmin was rewarded for good information with the books he loved, which made him happy to be of service.
“Have you been doing what I said?” Kumi asked as she closed the door behind herself one night.
“Lock off the real part of myself so that Kame can’t have it?” he asked absently as he finished a paragraph before he lowered the book to his lap. “When he first took me, I told myself I would lock my dignity and pride away so that he couldn’t have it. Your suggestion helps me remember that I still have it safe.”
“You won’t lose those, so long as you use Kame’s actions against him.” She sat on the edge of the bed, her back to him. “I think tonight, we should take it to the final level.”
A frown appeared on his brow. “Final level?”
“I believe its time you and I slept together,” she said quietly before looking back over her shoulder at him. “Once you can successfully seduce me, then your training will be complete.”
His gaze dropped from her to the book in his lap. It scared him to know that he was close to losing her presence. “I might be bad at it.” He glanced up to see her smile a bit and look away.
“I don’t doubt that, but just because you finish your training doesn’t mean I can’t be around you or supervise you from then on,” she told him. “I’ll always be here for you.”
“Thank you,” he replied softly.
He watched as she plucked the book out of his hand. “You’re on page 55,” she said with a smile as she set it aside and then stood. “Help me take this off, please.”
Changmin slid off of the bed and helped to unwrap the obi from around her waist before he began to peel off layer after layer of embroidered robes. It wasn’t until he was at the last under robe that she asked he stop and return to his previous position on the bed. Once he was comfortable, she climbed into his lap, straddling him and he automatically shrank back from her, though he wasn’t sure why.
Kumi blinked in surprise and sat back. “You don’t like this?” She touched his cheek and he flinched as he realized that all he could see was Kame. “You were fine before, what’s the difference?”
“We were standing or sitting facing one another.” It came out as a whisper, and his volume embarrassed him.
Kumi sighed. “Sit up,” she suggested and he did so as she shifted in his lap, their foreheads now at the same level. “How’s this?”
He nodded. “Better.”
“He’s always above you,” she murmured and he nodded again as he felt her sympathy. He wished people could feel more than sympathy and pity for him. “It’s okay to be frustrated, Changmin,” she said as she gently touched his cheek. “That’s why I’m here, to help you overcome it.”
“I don’t think I’ll overcome that, but the frustration I’m perfectly fine to get rid of,” he told her with a teasing tone that made her smile.
“Whether you do or not is not up to me, but today we will be going further,” Kumi told him as she shifted back to look at him. “How long have I been here?”
Changmin started in surprise at the sudden question. “Um…” he groped for the answer as he cast his memories back, but he truly wasn’t sure. “Six months?”
Shock. Kumi frowned as she answered. “Almost a year. I was in Kame’s company for two months. He then began bringing you to our meetings for three months before I finally suggested the lessons. You and I have been together for almost seven.”
“What does it matter?” he asked, mirroring the frown.
“You’re losing your memories to him,” she replied softly. “How long have you been here?”
“If you say you’ve been here for one year…” Panic hit him as he realized he didn’t know.
Asking the year he was captured, he related it and she replied calmly that he’d been under Kame for five years.
“You scared me,” he hissed. “I thought maybe I’d lost ten years here!”
Kumi smiled a little at his reaction. “Sorry, I thought you might have. But remember this. You need to start keeping track. If we ever get out of here, you have to remember how long it’s been and how things in the world will change.”
Changmin nodded absently. He hadn’t thought of escaping in so long. What did he have to escape for? And where in the world would he go? Who would give a broken vampire refuge? It didn’t matter right now. He had Kumi to lean on for now. With all that she was teaching him, she would help him get out eventually. She was the one thing keeping him sane now.
“Now,” she said softly as she touched his cheek and leaned closer to nuzzle his neck. “You’re going to learn something else tonight. A more passionate touch,” she whispered before pulling back to look him in the eyes. “I need you to trust me.”
He nodded. “I trust you.”
“And I you. What did you do before you were captured?” she asked as she pressed a kiss to his forehead.
Distracted by her fingers running through his hair, Changmin took a moment to respond. “I was a sailor.”
“What kind of cargo did you transport on your ship?” Her hands shifted down to his shirt to undo the buttons.
Changmin had to grope through his mind to find the answer, which he blurted out, “The illegal kind.”
Kumi giggled and pulled his shirt open. “Is that so? And what was your job on the ship?” She ran her hands down over his chest.
“They called me the captain’s pet,” he told her. “Not like Kame’s pet. He hired me because I was smart and only sixteen.” He paused when her fingers played at the edge of his breeches and was surprised at the desire from her, and that he himself was feeling.
She smiled and bit her lip playfully as she took her hands away. “Your turn,” she told him and waited for him to bring his hands up before she continued. “And what did you do?” she asked.
He reached up to trace his fingertips down her neck, all the way to where the two sides of her robe met over her chest.
“I would assist in many different areas.”
~*~
“Ishiko?”
Changmin watched the vampire before Kame with disinterest as he lounged against the side of Kame’s seat. “He is being truthful,” he replied to the steady violet.
“Let us hope he is correct then,” Kame said with a smile and dismissed the relieved vampire, who didn’t show so much as a sliver of his feeling, Changmin noted. Fingers slid through Changmin’s hair and he moved his head up into the touch as his eyes fell closed. Satisfied, Kame returned his hand to the armrest and Changmin relaxed into the cushion again. He took pride in deceiving Kame, and the court assumed he was happy to please.
While he was still Kame’s favorite, Kame would now do things like take others to bed, including new humans he’d found. Changmin would pretend to bristle about it while inside, he was angered about the humans Kame would break. Changmin would quickly bleed them dry to spare them the torture as Kame would assure him that he wouldn’t find a new favorite, but it was clear he enjoyed the acts of jealousy. And Changmin would say nothing, biting his tongue to keep from telling Kame how truly disgusting he really was. He also had to keep his emotions from leaking out around Kame, so that Kame would never know how he really felt.
As a reward for ‘good’ behavior, Kame suggested his guard captain find someone to give Changmin lessons on self defense. Changmin assumed Kame was growing bored that he wasn’t fighting back anymore. He could work with that. He reported to the captain three times a week for training, surprised by the way his body reacted to it. Within weeks, his body was more toned than before. Curious, he thought to himself one day as he headed back to his room. He assumed vampires couldn’t alter their bodies after being changed. Then again, his hair grew, so there were probably other assumptions that were wrong.
Changmin was originally to pay the guard and assistants for their help with his body. He didn’t like this option very well, but it was Kame’s order. His training from Kumi helped him deal with the idea, but when it came time to pay the guards, they looked at one another warily and refused the payment.
Fear.
Changmin was surprised by it and asked what he was supposed to tell Kame. They argued for a moment and finally asked for Kumi instead. Changmin carried the message to Kame himself and while Kumi was with the guards, Kame decidedly occupied Changmin’s time with a new dagger he’d been given.
This wasn’t the only time Kame offered Changmin as payment and the offer was turned down. It was considered an honor for Kame to give his precious pet as a payment, but Changmin was good at playing up his ‘jealousy.’ He would throw a glare at the recipient and drape himself over Kame’s leg as if to say he only belonged to Kame. More often than not, the vampire would give their thanks and turn him down. Sometimes the offer was taken, and Changmin would go through with it, not feeling one way or another about it. Half of those people would never sleep with him again, disturbed by how sullen and violent he seemed unless chained to Kame. There were only a handful that would accept the offer again, and Changmin used the training from Kumi to keep himself from mauling them.
Kame’s frustrations were still frequently taken out on Changmin, who was glad he received it more than Kumi, who seemed to deal with it worse than he did. She was too good at showing emotions to lock them all away like Changmin could. Remembering the training from the guards, Changmin began to fight back, and Kame seemed to enjoy this. It made him feel better to fight back, if even a little as Kame could always overpower him.
During one of his meetings with Kumi, she slipped him a dagger. He wasn’t entirely sure why she gave it to him, but he kept it hidden in his wardrobe. There was no way to know if he would need it. It wasn’t like he could kill himself with it anyway. He would heal too fast. But knowing he had it was a comfort of sorts, even if he couldn’t figure out why.
Years began to fly by, and Changmin had to force himself to keep track of them and what was going on when particular things happened. He kept a journal, reciting events in a straightforward manner to keep track, but that was all he ever wrote. Kumi urged him to write more than just facts, but he refused. He knew if he ever wrote his feelings about anything, that someone could find them to use against him, and he wasn’t going to take that chance.
Ten years, he noted as he looked at the date. Ten years he’d been in this underground complex. Somehow, he couldn’t believe it, and yet he could. He closed and pushed the journal away to grab one of his books and flop down onto his bed to relax.
“Chang-chan,” Kumi sang as she slipped into his room. Changmin glanced up from his book with a smirk and then back at the words as she crawled into the bed and against his side. He automatically wrapped an arm around her as he read, not minding the nickname she’d given him years ago.
“Hm?” he hummed as he turned the page one-handed.
“Why is it when you make love to me, it’s so… mechanical?” her pout could be heard a mile away.
Changmin sighed and glanced up at the bookcase. “Because I don’t really find sex that interesting. I only do it to relieve stress and because I have to.”
She snuggled against him. “You could at least show more interest in me.”
“I don’t find the female form that interesting…” he murmured as he realized it was true.
Kumi sat up and tilted her head. “You like men?”
“I…” Changmin sighed and shook his head. “I don’t really know what I like.” He hadn’t a chance to actually find someone he liked, let alone loved. Though, there was that man, back when he was still human on the ship and they landed in Osaka one time…
“Understandable,” she replied with a soft, but sad smile as she touched his cheek. If anything, he felt a deeper connection and affection for her, but he wasn’t attracted to Kumi the way he knew he should be. She was definitely beautiful, he thought as he sat up and she crawled into his lap, but he just knew she wasn’t what he wanted. At least she had the talent to distract him when he needed it.
“You never kiss me,” she murmured against his neck.
“I don’t want to kiss you,” he replied as he set his book aside.
“Why not?” she asked with a small pout.
“I don’t love you,” he answered honestly.
Her pout grew a bit as she played with his collar. “But I’m good at kissing.”
Changmin sighed, a bit amused. “Sorry, I just don’t feel right doing it.” He glanced down. It was the truth after all. Kame had never kissed him and he thanked every god in existence for that miracle. He was surprised when she tilted his head up and kissed him anyway. At least the touch of her lips on his wasn’t unpleasant—far from it. And she was pleased when he kissed back. He just didn’t feel anything inside of himself.
When she pulled back, she looked apologetic and he didn’t understand. “I hate to say this. Your kiss, it isn’t horrible, but it’s soulless and… haunted.”
He didn’t expect it to hurt when she said that, but it did. To feel so much in just one kiss, just from his lips, he was slipping with his abilities. He hadn’t meant for her to feel all of that when they kissed. His emotions were leaking out again.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“Me too.” He held her close.
Me too.
~***~
remember how lord of the rings was written following one set of characters and then another set later? *hinthint* also editing jaekei part 2 and waiting for tabs to beta since i have issues with switching tenses while writing two fics of different tenses XD also working on jaekei oneshot :3 and working on gravity of course! comments are ♥
Part 6
